Revived the blogs about a week or two back. Well, I probably won't have much to post here since I do not have to keep anything deep inside me anymore. So I'm just going to squeeze something out to blabber about, because I still need to be simply typing away once in a while.

Honestly, I'm not sure how long this revival is going to last. It's not like anyone would be there to be reading all these crap that I'm typing anyway. It was never a popular blog back when blogging was the thing. So I guess it's going to be much tougher now. On the other hand, I wouldn't wanna be that popular with thousands, or even hundreds of visits. I probably just wanna attract a handful of people who would say like, hey I kinda like what you're doing.

Hm. I'm not sure if my laid-back attitude would get the better of me, or I might be able to pull through. So far, it seems really nice and bright. Let's hope it will be as lasting as it can be.

I must really admit that I think better, penning things down.
Or simply typing things out.
As much as I wanna be happy for the decision I've made,
I cant help but think about how things would be like if I've chosen otherwise.

With one whole week of hospitalization leave,
I stayed at home alone for the whole time,
with Him waking up earlier to fetch Yuuki to school
and coming back only after settling his everything.

I can really say that I enjoyed it at first.
I tried to do as much housework as I can.
But when there's so much to be done,
yet there's so much that I cant do,
I got a little helpless, frustrated, and even demoralized.
There are so many things that he has to do,
too many for him to even cope,
and I'm of no help at all.

Then, it hit me suddenly when he told me about Ms Tooth
watching Yuuki for the weekend.
On top of how much I hate to hear anything about her,
I came to realize that whatever that is taking up most of our time,
holding up back, keeping us from moving forward to our future,
is not our responsibility.
Or at least, the time we spent on this responsibility
is far too much than it should be.

I totally understand that this would be a bad way to put it.
We have made sacrifices, changes in lifestyle,
given up on things that should be held on to,
just so we can take care of Yuuki.
I can totally convince myself previously that
those sacrifices and changes will be worth it,
Because we are going to take him in as a part of the family
and he will be our responsibility.

But right now, with Ms Tooth insisting that
no matter how tough it is, she wants the child,
yet she is throwing every responsibility
with excuses that are not at all valid,
I just cannot see the point in all this shit anymore.

Why should I be taking care of her son,
when whatever she had done so far actually
contribute to my decision to kill my own child?
(Even though I know that it still boil down to me.)

I cannot be happy with anything about him anymore.
Because every laugh of his could have been my child's,
if I've given it a chance.
Because every breath he takes could be synced to my child's
if I've insisted longer.

You can say that I'm regretful,
but I would say that I did not make that decision for this.
He can question my love and ask,
"How can you say such a thing to me?"
like everything that ever happened was all my fault.
Maybe I should reply with a
"How can you bring me into this mess?" or
"How can you expect me to be happy 24/7,
entertaining you like it should be the only thing I ever have to do?"
to make him feel the guilt I did.

He can complain that the person he doesnt want
keep coming back to him, and the person he wants
keep trying to leave him.
Maybe I should remind him that
he gave the person he doesnt want
the power and rights to hurt and harm him,
and everyone will think that it's nothing wrong.
Simply because he married her and she bear him a child,
(which in turn demand his commitment no matter what he think)
and there is nothing he can do than to accept.
Yet he expects the person he wants to always
cheer him on and support him like
there's nothing on earth that bring her down.
And every time she fall short from that,
she would be confronted that it's not what
she's supposed to do. Maybe she's just not supposed to be.

I would wanna be happy all the time too.
Life would be so much easier that way.
But I believe I have been going on too long
without much recharge. I feel so drained.
I guess I need a break. From everyone else.
I guess I need to be alone. With myself.
I guess I need that recharge I need,
but for now, I guess I will stay.
Strong. With him. Being me.

For,
my words, He does not understand.
my feelings, He does not recognize.
my tears, He does not comfort.

I guess I have pretty much decided.
No matter how much I feel, think, or believe that it's wrong,
it seems like the best way out.
Or maybe just the easy way out.

Honestly, I cant be sure if I can live with it.
I'm not sure if I will not regret about it.
I cant even be sure if I will be able not to blame myself,
or anyone, or anything about it.
For down to the root, I still believe this is not the right choice.

You can say that it's legal and people are doing it.
You can say that it's stopping the suffering before it last a lifetime.
You can say that it's just delaying its arrival to a later time.
You can say whatever you want to make yourself feel better.

But there will always be both sides of everything.

You cannot deny that you are ending a life even though it's legal.
You cannot deny that you arent sure if the suffering would come true.
You cannot deny that you can never know if that is true.

But still, I have pretty much decided.
That no matter what you say,
no matter what I think,
this is the path we are walking down.

I cant promise you that I wont cry about it.
(In fact, I have cried too much for it)
I cant promise you that I can get over it.
I cant promise you that I can plan again in another few years from now,
as if none of this had ever happened.
For that would be ending someone's life and never feel any guilt about it.
(And I dont think you can deny that despite all the sufferings
she made you go through by insisting not to abort,
she is still entitled to a part of you for the rest of your life.)

Even having said so,
I can work hard to convince myself like I always have been,
that this is the path that I have chosen,
so you wont have to suffer whatever has been dragging
you down all your life and fulfill whatever arrangements
you have to accept in order to build our future.
So that I will be able to do the things I love and be happy,
without having to sacrifice anything.
So that we can prepare and plan the next physically, mentally and financially.

But no matter what, at the back of my mind,
it is almost impossible to convince myself,
because when they say whatever damages your divorce brings
will spill over to me, I never expect it to cause the death of an unborn child.

For there is Sun, there is also Moon. For there is Light, there is also Darkness. For there is Warmth, there is also Cold. For there is Love, there is also Hatred.

Right from the beginning, I was expecting Darkness in the path that follows. Maybe it isn't just my path, since there is darkness in every corner of the earth. As I walked further down this path, I saw the reasons I shouldn't even started this path, getting clearer with every single step.

This path is getting tougher. But all the more we should be stronger together. If we cannot stand as one, we will fall without anyone trying to break us apart.

I guess right now, there isn't anything such as things any one of us should do, or anything about what if's. Also, on the other hand, I need to make myself understand that leaving my ex and son behind, was a choice and decision made by me. I need to see that regardless the outcome of this relationship, that decision had been made and there is no turning back or regrets. I need to accept that these are two separate matters, and changes or unexpectables are bound to happen.

It is impossible for someone to have never once in their life done something for the benefit for oneself. As humans are born selfish, self-centered, and proud, they will always consider and think about themselves first.

This is just another boring post, by a very boring and currently bored person. It has nothing to do with being good or evil or anything else.

Contented is not the word that you will find in most human beings’ dictionary. Also, it is almost impossible for anyone to truly feel happy. For how much happiness there is in this world, there will be as much darkness.


We are at the verge of everything. There isn’t many people who is in favour of our relationship. Even though we keep telling ourselves that it doesn’t really matter even if no one on earth approves of our relationship. But somehow I know otherwise. The fact that the place we are staying at the moment may be gone any time due to anything, is probably digging into our faith bit by bit too.

For we are standing here in shaky rocks, and yet convincing ourselves every minute that everything is going to be alright. But somewhere deep down inside, we simply know that somehow things may just go wrong.